On Monday, April 13th, the day after Easter, it was a dreary rainy day. Until about 6 o’clock or so when the sun came down beneath dark clouds and shone brightly. Around 6:30 I had an apparently uncontrollable urge to walk outside and stare at the sun. I stared for around 20 slow seconds I think, here is what I saw:
The white orb of the sun slowly became many overlapping suns, in a slow sort of patterning of energy at the pace of something like a cat kneading a blanket. Then the sun turned into a white halo, as if there were a ring inside the circumference of the sun that was glowing ultra bright white while the rest was regular white. Transfixed by the white halo-ring at this point an energy field opened around the sun that was completely beautiful. It resembled something simultaneously shimmering and watery and also geometric and fractal. There were rainbows of colors that looked the way light inside of a diamond looks, but the prism quality of the rainbows was undulating in the energy field, or almost as if it were slightly stretching and contracting, like it was breathing. There was a concentric quality to the rainbow shimmer, but whatever geometric system it was a part of I have never seen before. The only way I can describe the way the colors looked is to compare it to an iris, they were crowning around the pupil of the sun-light but they were crowning in waves of some burning beauty.
I looked away at this point, mostly in awe. A few seconds later I decided to look again but when I raised my eyes to the sun the sun looked dark like a shadow, and so I looked away.
A couple hours later, standing in the kitchen of my mother’s house I realized I couldn’t see her face. For the past week I’ve had a white orb of light at the center of my vision. It’s slowly healing and getting smaller. But it’s meant that all my habits have broken, I haven’t been able to read or draw or paint, I’ve spent almost every evening with a t shirt over my eyes in deep prayer meditations. Right now I can’t see the word I’m typing, but I can see all the other words around it.
I trust that for whatever strange reason I can’t comprehend this is part of my path.
I’ve been reminded about the rule of manifestation that as long as you go on focusing on what you want to manifest you create resistance to it’s being realized. Sometimes you have to shift focus or be distracted and suddenly all the work you’ve done can find it’s place without your direct effort. So I’ve been imagining while I am half blind and in deep meditation all the work I’ve done up to this point is finding its place. Not sure why I’ve been brought to such stillness but I’m working to accept it with grace.
One of the reasons for sun-gazing is to decalcify the pineal gland. I had been practicing for several weeks with 5 seconds at a time, but this last time I just pushed it too far. For me, staring at the sun is a temporary dissolving of the distinction between seeing and being seen, for the few seconds there is catharsis in the substance of sight. It definitely feels like I burnt a hole in the mind-veil and cleaned my third eye. This week has been one of intense purging and purification spiritually. A real test of not succumbing to fear, trusting that I will heal, and that it is all a part of a divine unfolding.
I’ve had 5 pages left of Emerson’s essay called “Nature” for a week, on hold while I heal. But the other night I thought I would just push through the strange blind-spot struggle and read the last five pages . This was the last sentence of the essay:
“The Kingdom of man over nature, which cometh not with observation, — a dominion such as now is beyond his dream of God, — he shall enter without more wonder than the blind man feels who is gradually restored to perfect sight.”
When I read this I almost leapt into the air. The synchronicity caused a surging of trust in the divine plan. My eyes will heal, and I will be gradually restored to perfect sight.